The Blair Witch Moon Project: Apollo 18 Review

(This is not a movie poster, it’s a picture of me watching the movie)

What if, while you just happened to be traveling through outer space, found footage of a secret Apollo Mission? What if you were dropped on your head as a baby yet still somehow became an astronaut? What if you were using hand held video recorders, but somehow had the skills and awareness of a director to know where to place the camera where only a third person could have shot it from that angle?

What if you were a director, who got an idea for a movie when he came across a tiny bit of moon rock trivia, and expanded that into a feature length film, but did so in such a lazy fashion that nothing really makes sense?

You would make one of the worst movies ever made, that’s what!

Apollo 18 (2011) tells the nonsensical story of a secret Apollo mission to the moon. It opens with a brief, written history of the Apollo mission- the landing on the moon in 1969, Apollo 18, 19, and 20 were canceled due to budgetary reasons, in 1972 Apollo 17 is the last mission to the moon. Then we learn “In 2011, Eighty-four hours of classified footage is uploaded to http://www.lunartruth.com. This film is edited from that footage.”

Ok, fair enough. We are treated to the standard “meet the astronaut” footage, where we learn that astronauts have no personality. They lament that they are going to the moon, but have to tell people lies about where they will be. One tells his family he is on a joint training mission with the Chinese. In 1974. OK, whatever. Before the astronauts leave for space, the director does an effective job in making it seem like this is truly found footage, with the clothes and background looking right, as well as the quality of the film and the colors as well.

But soon this top-secret mission, which somehow secretly rocketed the Apollo 18 into space, (well, they gave an excuse that they were launching a satellite. OK, whatever) reaches its target of the moon, and simultaneously loses all sense of reality. First of all, the premise makes no sense, no matter the lame explanation that comes from Control later, that they would shoot over 84 hours of a SECRET mission. But we wouldn’t have a film without that, so on they go into space. One astronaut remains in orbit while the other two land on the moon in the lunar module. These two somehow either develop a third arm or give birth to a camera man because after some boring chit-chat and “goofing around,” we are treated to some camera angles and quick cuts that are not possible, no matter how this footage was “edited.” I don’t know much about the Apollo missions and how they were taped, but the images from Apollo 11 that were sent to earth were not from multiple angles. They were pretty much point and shoot, no “technique” involved. In addition to cinematic camera angles sneaking their way into the found footage, the look of the “film” being used seems to slowly work its way towards looking like it was shot by a camera from 2004, not 1974. The quality of some of the pictures look too good, and also, when the shit starts to hit the fan, there are effects thrown in that really don’t make any sense. For example, one astronaut finds himself in pitch black, and hears a freaky sound all around him. In the vacuum of space. He uses some kind of flash on the camera to see whatever he can, and we somehow hear the sound of that as well. The “strobe light” effect he creates by taking pictures (I guess?) really wouldn’t have been possible back then, even if the rest of it made sense scientifically. And plus, there is always a flashlight to provide consistent lighting when you need it. Again, I assume these astronauts had mental problems, or they were overly concerned about making the footage they were shooting look neat for the people who would find it later.

The actions of the astronauts make no sense either. The astronauts soon find out that their supposed mission of putting tracking devices on the moon as part of a warning system against missile attacks from the USSR (first of all, what? to that idea anyways, even the “fake” mission makes no sense) is not why they are really there. They find a Soviet capsule that also must have been from a secret mission. But the cosmonaut is dead, the capsule thrashed, and worst of all, the cosmonaut’s shoes had worn out soles. So what do you do when you are having a private conversation about what the mission is really about? You tape it, of course. And of course you do that from a weird camera angle that could only have meant that you spent more time figuring out the best place to put your camera beforehand than you took having the conversation. Also, if the other astronaut has a bunch of spider creatures crawling inside of his suit and is screaming, is it your instinct to pick up a camera and film it? Or figure out a way to get the fuck off of the moon? If you are an astronaut in this film, it’s the former.

So obviously this film doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, either when thinking the script, or staying consistent with the concept that this film was culled from “found” footage, or staying consistent with what we know of science (astronauts apparently experience Earth’s gravity on the Moon because they run normally without bouncing at all). I could have been more forgiving of this film, and just considered it a bad film, rather than one of the worst ever, if they gave a plausible excuse for how this footage was “found.” It’s not the Blair Witch project, where someone walking through the woods might stumble across the footage. People who defend this film in forums have their excuses as to how this could be, but they don’t hold up, and frankly these people are very defensive because they know what a piece of shit this film is and they feel stupid for liking it. No, they would have not have launched another mission to recover film from a lunar module which must surely be hurtling through space (I am guessing that he collided with the lunar orbiter). No, this was not transmitted back to Earth because the camera they use uses film, and they said in the movie that most of the footage was found on film. How would they have recovered film among the debris of the crashed modules, even if that debris is orbiting the moon? No, ravenmaniac07 on the IMDB message boards, I am not an idiot for not coming up with a bunch of excuses for the director of this dingleberry of a movie for not convincing me that the found footage premise of this film made any sense. I wouldn’t have liked this movie if it were honest and admitted it was just another film with a third-person omniscient point of view. But the fact that it wanted to use the horribly played out found footage genre without doing even half of what was necessary to make it plausible, means it deserves my wrath, and not my excuses.

So basically, moon rocks are actually aliens. There. That’s the movie. Don’t watch it. Instead, read this portion of the Apollo 18 movie’s wikipedia entry. I’m sure this provided the idea to the director, but the real story of what happened to the moon rocks would make for a more interesting film. But then again most infomercials would make better movies than this.

“The film concludes with a statement that the Nixon Administration gave away hundreds of moon rocks to foreign dignitaries around the world, and that many of these moon rocks have been lost or stolen. This is factually true; both the Nixon and Ford Administrations gave away 135 Apollo 11 Moon Rocks and 135 Apollo 17 Goodwill Moon Rocks. The Moon Rock Project, a joint effort of over 1,000 graduate students started at the University of Phoenix in 2002, has helped track down, recover or locate many moon rocks and found that 160 are unaccounted for, lost or destroyed.[18] In 1998 a sting operation, called Operation Lunar Eclipse, made up of personnel from NASA‘s Office of the Inspector General, the U.S. Postal Inspection Service and U.S. Customs recovered the Honduras Apollo 17 Goodwill Moon Rock, valued at $5 million. In October 2011, NASA agents raided a Denny’s restaurant and arrested a 74-year-old woman for attempting to sell a moon rock from Neil Armstrong for $1.7 million on the black market.[19]

My IMDB rating: 1 out of 10

My Netflix rating: 1 out of 5

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